i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
