Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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