so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
