the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He felt like a one man threesome
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
