If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
