i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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