I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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