your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
