UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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