do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
