saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I look better un-naked...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
