I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
