I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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