I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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