ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
