Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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