guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
