Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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