I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
