I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
