Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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