Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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