JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
