do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
