turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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