if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
tell me about the fingering
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