Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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