Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
