I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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