Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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