I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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