Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
