I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
