Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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