they need to just BURY HIM!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
