This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
