ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
