Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
