my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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