Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
