totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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