He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
