apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
