Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
