i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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