We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
