Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
