I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
