Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
