haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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